Saturday, March 10, 2007

Blah Blah Blah

I figure it's time to write something, before Mavis gets all antsy and tells me to post something. She's very demanding.

It has been a strange week for me. I started it feeling like I would rather have a root canal than go to my job, then I had a chat with my boss which left me feeling somewhat better and motivated to really make a difference in that company, then my school week started and I was all proud of myself for getting all my readings done and getting some of my end-of-the-quarter stuff done AHEAD OF TIME, then I went to the shrink and told her how awesome my new drugs are and how on top of things I am, and then it all fell apart.

Let me break it down for you:

The Job
I try not to talk about my job too much because I've heard of people getting fired for blogging about their job. However, I have no plans for permanent employment at my company (and they know this), and I don't think that this is a fire-able offense.

So, my company has grown a lot over the last decade and a half or so. They went from being really small to being really big really fast. So, the corporate infrastructure has not grown as the company did. This happens a lot. For all the talk about corporate structure, I've found that very few companies have much infrastructure. Mostly, it is all sort of half-assed and un-spelled out, with the exception of a few totally massive global corporations.

My company has been working on creating some structure and training and whatnot. HR scheduled a meeting to review some training courses for several positions in my department, mine included. This sparked a whole discussion on career paths, titles, etc and how they basically don't exist in the company. The HR rep was totally taken by surprise, as this wasn't what the meeting was supposed to be about, but managed to handle it pretty well. HR rep was trying to listen, but convey what the likely reaction from higher-ups would be to what we were asking for. Basically, we should try to create some structures, but it wasn't likely to be as successful as we might hope. What I, and the others who are in my same entry- or close to entry-level positions, heard was: "we don't want to create career paths for your positions because we don't want you to advance because we don't want to ever pay more than we already are for what you do, and we don't want you to take on more responsibility or develop any other skills than what you already have." It was pretty depressing. We left feeling like we were wasting our time there and should really start looking for new jobs. Even me, and I'm in school to get a totally different kind of job and have no plans on developing a career in my current field.

So, when my boss found out my negative reaction, she was a little hurt. The point of the meetings were to develop something for me and those in my position. That I didn't want to be involved anymore sort of upset her, and I can see why. Why should she bother going to bat for me if I don't want to put forth any effort? There are other things going on that I feel like I can't get into here, but ultimately I agreed with her. I left her office wondering how I can get the others in my position to come around and get things back on-track.

Then, I went to class. My week is pretty evenly divided into work and school, so I completely left work behind. Things were going so well for me in school. I had gotten really far behind - I wasn't finishing readings and was always finishing papers and the very last possible moment (in some cases turning it in rather late).

The Drugs

I have ADD. I can usually get by, but last quarter and this quarter it was really, really bad, and I finally went to a psychiatrist to get drugs. I was really nervous about going, because I'm always afraid that someone will finally tell me that drugs won't help, that I'm just stupid and lazy and should just get my shit together. Apparently, this is how a lot of ADDers feel, particularly adults with ADD. In any case, the drugs are working. I have gotten my school work back under control and I'm even getting my shit at work done more efficiently.

The point (see the tangents? this is ADD at work - actually the meds combo'd with caffeine. I'm still not used to changing what I consume because of the chemicals I've added to my body). ANYWAY. The point is that I was back in control. I was so efficient with stuff. Yesterday, I finished revising an assignment by, like 11am. It was awesome. And then.

Falling Apart

And then I realized that I should not have been sitting at my desk working on papers. I should have been at DePaul, in Lincoln Park, observing an undergraduate writing class. I'd already missed the first time I was supposed to go, then couldn't get a hold of the professor for the next week, and now I'd blown it. I was so mad at myself. I'd totally spaced on it.

Luckily, it looks like it will work out. I'm going to have to drive to f'ing Grayslake and turn in my paper late, but I will get to turn it in, which will be better than nothing at all.

The upside is that I'm getting a handle on things. The drugs I'm taking are not miracle drugs. They don't actually do my work for me. But, they do allow me to do what I need to. The good news is that my shrink says that my ADD really only rears its ugly head in times of stress. Apparently, maintaining a job, going to school, and planning a wedding all at the same time is stressful. And I just thought I was lazy.

She recommended a book on adult ADD, which I plan to read over my "spring break" - which is in itself sort of a joke, since we have less than a week between finals and the start of spring quarter. I'm also planning on reading another of the Bridgerton series by Julia Quinn. I deserve a little fun reading.

But now, I've wasted enough of my morning (it's 1pm, but still morning to me!) and it is time to get to work.

1 comment:

Mavis said...

Hey, I only bitch at you because you bitch at me when I do not post in a timely manner, lady. Cut me some slack, it's my birthday week. I'm sorry to hear that things went to pot, but very glad to hear that they're getting back on course. I think you're smashing.