Thursday, June 14, 2007

Some Letters

Dear Bunnies,

Aren't the new flowers pretty? Mr did such a good job laying out the flower bed with the white and purple petunias (I think...) and the dahlias. I love dahlias. They're so pretty, with the big round flowers with a million perfect petals. And these dahlias are such a rich, beautiful red.

I did not buy them and plant them as food for you. Please stop eating my flowers. While I'm sure they are delicious, they haven't even been in the ground for a week yet. They're annuals, so they won't be back next year, and you're really ruining my enjoyment of them. Aren't you supposed to love Hostas?

Please notice the massive hostas lining the garage and the front walk and in various other places around the yard. Feel free to eat the hostas as much as you like. They're awesome! Plus, they came with the house and I'm not crazy about them. Please, eat the hostas. Give my Dahlias a fighting chance.

Thanks,
Rita

Dear Dude who works out a lot,

Wow. You must be at the gym all the time. It's clearly paying off, what with your massive pecs and rippling biceps. I wish I could spend some serious time in a gym, but I'm having a hard time finding one convenient to me. But I digress.

I think you're dedication to your health is impressive. I like that you're putting your best foot forward, however, I think maybe in your gym obsession, you have lost sight of the ultimate goal: to look good in clothes.

I know. You spend a lot of time working on those pecs and delts and whatever, and you want people to know that you are in top physical condition. However, wearing a polo three sizes too small makes the wrong impression. See, when I saw you, the first thought I had was "wow. He works out a LOT." Had you been wearing clothes that fit you, I would have thought "Wow. That guy is hot." See the distinction? You want people to think that you are just really put-together and attractive, not that you spend all your free time working out (even if that is the case). Trust me, clothes that fit will not hide your physique. You'll still look strong, but you'll also look sharp - a total package.

Best,
Rita

Dear Ladies who commute,

Doesn't the walk from the train suck? My office is a little over a mile from the train, so I know it can be a hike. This, however, is no excuse for those shoes. I know you don't want to trek all over downtown in high heels. Even if your office is only two blocks from the train, I understand. Hey, maybe you never wear heels. That's cool too. But please, please, stop wearing those ugly "comfortable" shoes. Just because they are black leather does NOT mean that they are office-appropriate. Really, there is no situation where those are appropriate.

See, you don't have to wear the shoes you walk to the office in while you're in the office. You see all those ladies in nice suits or slacks with sneakers on? They don't wear them in the office. They have another pair of shoes, something really cute that goes with their outfit, but isn't so great for long walks, tucked into their bags. They get to the office and they change their shoes. They change back before they walk to the train to go home. It's a great system. Try it.

Ta,
Rita

3 comments:

Mavis said...

I work with a guy who is way into lifting weights. Thankfully, he does not wear his clothes three sizes too small, he wears them just right. But he is still so muscularly defined that you can see his muscles through his jeans. He is also of Portuguese descent, so I secretly refer to him as “The Portuguese Beefcake.” He is the nicest guy, as well, and while we are friendly and have nice conversations, I do not know him well enough to tell him that I call him this. Maybe someday I will.

PS – try putting moth balls around the dahlias or petunias or whatever they are. I think those are supposed to prevent rabbits from eating them. My mom says she has the same problem. And also, deer. Deer like to come into their yard and nibble on her plants as well, and it really pisses her off. I think one time she also was told marigolds worked to keep the rabbits away, but apparently not, because the rabbits ate those, too. Go figure.

manogirl said...

Hmm, I heard that marigolds kept bugs away. But nothing about rabbits.
My mom has a chipmunk problem with her plants, and she tried some predator pee in a spray bottle. I'm not joking. She went to the hardware store, and bought a bottle of fox pee. I think it was fox pee. She sprayed it all around the flower beds. But I'm not really sure if it worked, because I never checked back with her after that. I'm sure she'd be happy to tell you all about fox pee or chipmunk-be-gone or whatever it was.

Rita said...

I've also heard of using goat pee, though I'm not sure who/what that discourages. I did hear that it smells so bad that, while it does scare away the things that eat your garden, it also sort of keeps you from enjoying it.

My aunt is an awesome gardener and used to live on the edge of the forest preserve, so she had a lot of dear trouble. She used to keep the clippings from her family's haircuts, and spread that around the flowers. Apparently, deer dislike human hair. It sounds grosser than it is, I mean, it wasn't like there was a ton of hair, you'd have to look close to see it.

Moth balls are a good idea. I wonder if they put something in the mulch? It seems to be keeping them away. I don't know if I could go to the store and ask for, or buy, predator pee. It just seems weird to be like "Yes. I need some fox pee? Greeeat. Thanks!"